Confessions of a Hawt Mommie

Overcoming Fears and Fears alike....

2010-03-18T08:52:00.003-04:00

I've been home for a week now, and I feel like I can never catch a rest! From the moment I walked through the door I've been doing something. Anyway...

Most everyone knew that my job was sending me to Ohio for 4 days with 2 other managers to pick out jewelry for our new store. An amazing opportunity for anybody, and I felt so lucky to have been someone who was able to go. The catch? I had to get on a plane. Now, I haven't flown in 8 years, partly because I haven't had to, and partly because I'm terrified to do so. I catch alot of crap for it, and I'm not entirely sure what it is exactly that terrifies me. I think it boils down to the fact that you're 40,000 feet in the air with no control over your life should something happen. So last Monday was the big day to face my fear for the first time in 8 years. It didn't help that I got sick over the weekend, so I was majorly congested and felt like ass.

We were at the airport at 4:30 a.m....and I had support from more people that I knew. As Doug was routing me on from the car, everyone in the airport was so nice. From statistics, to how many armed marshals are on each flight, nothing was helping my anxiety. So when it came time to board the plane, which I have to point out this was a TINY commuter jet that held 30 ppl max. I hyperventilated, and almost passed out. The flight attendant kicked me off the plane (in a really nice way) and my boss promptly pushed me back on the plane (nicely) and we re-arranged seating order so that he could sit next to me. So I survived the 1.5 hour flight to Cleveland. I have never been so excited to be on the ground. Our trip was fun, and I learned alot about my job, and jewerly. So you'd think that since I flew there, I'd be fine coming home? HAHA~! I drank a couple double's in the airport which I have to say were to expensive, and I swear they weren't doubles!! Unless my anxiety was that bad. None the less, I only cried during take off and landing and didn't hyperventilate mid flight like I did on the way there. There was a guy across the aisle who could see my fear and pretty much talked me through the landing. Apparently he was a fellow commuter. I was almost embarrassed because in all reality it was a pretty smooth flight that had a perfect landing. Sure we hit some bumps going through the clouds, but for being such a small plane it wasn't bad.

In the end, I'm proud of myself for facing my fear, trying to overcome it the best I know how, and looking back, I know I'll have to get on a plane in the future..maybe next time will be better...

Money is the root of all evil.

2010-02-20T07:42:00.002-05:00

I hate money. Well okay, I don't hate it. I hate that it controls what you do. There's never enough, and when there is enough something is sure to happen to make it disappear. Everything has payments, interest rates, or just plain costs an outlandish amount. Oh, you'd like to buy that? We'll let you have it for low monthly payments but charge you 26% interest on the remaining balance each month. Kinda makes you think about what you really need.

I'm just generally talking here...I had money on my mind this morning. I crunch numbers. It's what I do. It's what school has taught me. Finance. A couple of buttons pushed and I can tell you how long you'll be in debt and how much money you'll need to make before you can save any. I like numbers. Graduation is upon me this fall, and opening my student loan statements I almost choked on my drink. I knew school was expensive, but my debt is up there. To the point that I could have bought a couple of REALLY NICE cars. OR even almost bought a house. It's disgusting how much I owe for wanting a higher education.

I went back to school to better myself, and give myself and Jesse a better life. Along the bumpy road Doug joined our journey, and now we've added Bailey to it. It's been a long ride, a little rough at times, but I am finally almost done. I can't believe it. In 7 months I will have 2 college degrees. It makes me smile on the inside, even if I owe Uncle Sam alot of money. I did what most people thought I could not. I was a single mom going to school and working. "she won't finish. She'll quit" I heard alot of that. And alot of the time it was hard. Still is actually. 7 classes to go and I do have weeks where I struggle to get homework done.

In the end its all worth it. I did what almost nobody thought I could do, even myself at times. But still...Money is the root of all evil.

2010-02-18T19:55:00.000-05:00

2010-02-16T09:07:00.000-05:00

Oh, and if someone can point me in the direction of someplace to make my blog "pretty" let me know. I'm really sick of looking!

When there's nothing left to say

2010-02-16T08:55:00.002-05:00

I was sick for the majority of last week. I haven't had the flu in years. I came home from work last monday and had the worst stomach ache. I figured it was because all I ate that day was salad. Figured my body was saying "Hey give me some real food!" So, naturally I ate thinking it would get better. Nope. What's weird though, is that Doug and I both got sick within 10 minutes of each other. How's that for being meant to be? haha!! I'm sure it's mere coincidence, but never ever since we've been together have I seen him get sick like that. It was awful. So awful that I lost 6 lbs in one day. I'm just thankful that the kids didn't get it. But I made sure they had their flu shots..I don't do flu shots. I get sick anyway, but this year it really hit me like a mack truck.

The job front is going well, although my daily 2 hour one way commute is really starting to get to me. I still haven't seen an expense check for my mileage compensation, and my bank account is hurting because of it. I mean, I spend on average 250.00 a week in gas. Sad to say that at least last week I was sick and only went in 2 days. This week is working out the same way, so hopefully it will show up by friday. I know I need it....for my gas tank. gross.

I'm starting to really despise New England. Maybe it's the crappy winter with the ass ton of snow we have. I miss home, but then I think of the rain and I don't miss it so much. I miss the south. I miss the sunshine everyday. I miss the happy nice people everywhere, the sandy beaches, palm trees, and the warm weather. I miss the cheapness of everything too. The northeast is full of angry, snobby, rude people who for the most part have quite a bit of money. They live in their large houses that overlook the river, or ocean and drive Volvos, BMW's, and the like. They snub you on the freeway and act like they own the road just because of what their in. Whatever. It gives me the worst road rage. Don't turn your nose up at me just because your in a Volvo and I'm in a Durango. My Durango will kick your Volvo's ASS! I like my soccer mom SUV thanks.

Bailey is getting quite the attitude. She's so funny and when she gets sassy its really hard to not laugh so she thinks she's being cute and funny. It seems like she's saying a new word everyday, and I look back to how fast she's grown up this year. She's a walking, talking, mini-me. In a few years I'm sure the freckles will sprinkle across her nose and then there will be no mistaken it. ;)

So maybe when there's nothing left to say...just smile.

Is January really almost over?

2010-01-15T08:43:00.002-05:00

I haven't had any motivation to blog. I actually haven't had much motivation to do anything. The holidays this year were really tough for me. Every year away from home is tough, but this year just felt different. I didn't have Christmas spirit. However, you would never know it. I put on my big girl panties and dealt with it. Seeing the magic of the season through the eyes of my children made everything better. Jesse even left Santa a note this year with his cookies.

Bailey turned 1 almost a month ago, she's just growing so fast! I can't believe that its already been a year since she was born. She's still a little peanut, but smarter than some adults I know. HAHA!! She's starting to hit that "fearless" stage where nothing can scare her. And as I prepare to re-enter the workforce on monday, I'm terrified to leave her. For the next month I have to make a 2 hour commute to work, meaning I will leave the house before she gets up, and get home as she's about ready to go to bed. Sure, it's only 6 weeks but still!! I know I'll adjust but having spent everyday with her since she was born it's going to be tough on me. She'll be fine I know. She's my little social butterfly who loves most anyone. She doesn't really seem to have seperation anxiety, although that may change when she doesn't see me all day long.

Jesse will be 8 next month. 8!?!? Seriously where does time go? It seems he was just a toddler, and now he's already acting like he's a teenager. Karate keeps him focused, and he'll be starting baseball this year too. He's such a good big brother. He loves Bailey and they have really bonded. She squeals when he comes home from school, and he's to her rescue when she falls down. Now I know this will all change when she's about 4 and driving him nuts. For now I cherish these moments.

So yes, I did find a job. More so, the job found me. They are building a Jared jewlery store not too far from our house, and on a whim I figured I'd hop online and apply. Anyone out there job hunting knows how hard it is to find a job these days. The very next day I got a phone call from the manager stating he had the perfect position for me. Really? So I made my trek to Boston, a lovely 2 hour drive for an interview. Walking in to what I thought was an interview, little did I know I already had the job. How does that even happen? My resume knocked their socks off! I was floored to hear that. Having sent my resume out to a bajillion different prospects. All it takes is one I guess. So, I'm told I'm going to be the IC Manager of the store. What is that exactly? In other words, I'm responsible for all of the money, and jewlery in the entire store. They've even equipped me with my very own office! Now, I've never had my own office. Im' excited, and while the pay isn't exactly what I wanted it's a good starting point. So, for the next 5 weeks I get to keep making that trek to Boston everyday for training. What's better is that their sending me to Ohio ( I know of all places!) to their headquarters to pick out ALL of the jewlery for the store. Company paid, 4 day kid free vacation.

Sounds good, what's the catch? I have to get on an airplane. Anyone who knows me, knows I have this immense fear of flying. In fact, I haven't flown in 8 years. Jesse was 8 months old the last time I was on a plane. It's a short 2 hour flight, and I know I'll be fine. Mind over matter right? It will be a good experience, and I get paid for a full week when we'll only be working a few short hours a day.

Ok, I think I'm caught up now. Time get dressed, it's mommy-Bailey day. I'm seriously having a rough time thinking about being gone all day.

Just want to make it all go away...

2009-12-03T23:41:00.002-05:00

I've been pretty numb now for the past day and a half. Can I scream, cry, and be angry all at once? My brother....my sweet baby brother. Well okay so he's 23 and not a baby, has been diagnosed with cancer. CANCER? How in the H#(LL does this happen? and Why? It's not fair. He's young, and a new daddy...and I honestly have a hard time wrapping my head around it all. I'm shocked, and really at a loss for words. I thought that maybe by blogging here it would help me get it off of my chest..so please excuse if there's things that don't make sense.

I wish more than anything right now I could be with my family. and hug them. It will be ok right? I just want to take it away. It's not fair that anyone should have to go through this, but at such a young age? Where does it come from. It is true that cancer affects anyone at any time in their life, but it just doesn't seem right. Not my family, not this time. Not now, I keep pinching myself to see if i'll wake up from this dream. But it's not a dream, the unbelievable is happening to someone I love. So quickly after I got that phone call did our childhood flash before my eyes. Fights, screaming matches, rides to school....how excited he was to become and Uncle to Jesse. I go from sad to downright angry. Angry that this awful disease is infecting my family. I just keep thinking its not fair. and WHY. WHY and HOW.

I keep telling myself that I need to be strong for him. Be optimistic. It usually comes pretty easy to me as I hate to think of things in a bad light. It's just so heart wrenching and awful. So tonight as I go to bed, I pray. Pray for a cure. a light. something. He will get through this, he's a strong person. And he's got us. We'll be here when he needs someone to lean on. I just hope he knows just how much I love him. Maybe we don't talk as much as we should...but he's always in my heart. If you're still reading my unorganized mess...please pray.

And she's off!

2009-11-20T09:04:00.002-05:00

Bailey took her first steps on Halloween, she was just barely 10 months old!! We were quite shocked, but excited that she did it while Doug was home for the weekend. Since then, she's been practicing her moves. She's on the go. To me it seems crazy for her to be walking at 10 months. Granted she's not a fluent walker yet, she does good! She's mastered walking across the living room, and is still a little timid to walk without assistance when we're not home. Anyway, not much has been going on in our little world, I've decided to return to the workforce. So, I've been job hunting. Being so close to having my BA and with Bailey walking and talking, I feel it's time. I love being home with my kids. I feel so blessed to have been able to be home with Bailey for her first year, as I was with Jesse. BUT, I want to return to work. I get bored at home sometimes, and I feel that putting Bailey in a daycare, maybe even part-time would be beneficial to her social skills with other babies. Anyway, yesterday I had 2 job interviews, one with Webster bank for a new accounts person, and the other at Navy Federal for the same thing. Next week I have another interview at Navy Federal for an Assistant Bank Manager! That's the one I want. I feel with my education, and banking experience I am qualified for it, I just need them to give me a chance! It's hard these days to convince a potential employer to give you a chance to show them you are fit for the job. I'm not stressed though. The right job will come in time, and until then I'll enjoy being home with the kids. Jesse loves me being home. Probably comes from those few short years when I was working 50 hours a week to keep my head above water and I felt like I hardly ever saw him. Luckily he was able to spend alot of time with his dad during that time.

Anyway, my weightloss efforts are at a shortstop. I've worked out a couple of times, and haven't eaten the greatest in the last week or so, but I haven't gained any weight. I'm tetering at the same weight, which is good and bad. I'm not too worried with the upcoming holidays, as I don't do much baking of sweets, and I'm not compelled to eat all the time. I am looking foward to Thanksgiving and having Mashed Potatoes, and Pumpkin Pie. I'm hoping Doug's parents will make it up for Christmas, and I'll do my usual Prime Rib, or maybe we'll grill some steaks this year. After having turkey for Thanksgiving, I'm ready for something else come Christmas!

Alright. I've rambled on, and now it's time for some breakfast.

We had a wonderful weekend..

2009-11-02T09:58:00.003-05:00

Indeed we did. It was so nice to have Doug home with us, even if it was just 3 days. He had to leave this morning before the sun came up, so when Bailey woke up this morning she looked for DaDa for about 30 minutes before she finally gave in and went back to sleep. It's hard, but I keep telling myself that in 7 weeks he'll be home for good, well until April and he'll only be gone for a month if that. In those 7 weeks I have goals!! My goal is to be losing around 3 lbs a week. And I know, that 3 lbs every week may not happen, but some weeks could be more. I think that's really my only goal, and to get all the Christmas shopping done, I pretty much know what both kids are getting, just a matter of finding it. This year will be alot different with Bailey's birthday coming just 4 days after Christmas!! Then Jesse's birthday 1.5 months after that.

Bailey took her first steps this weekend. On halloween actually. I am soo soo happy beyond words that Doug was here to see it. It's like she was waiting for him to be home. We had a good halloweeen, and Jesse has enough candy to last until next halloween. Sunday we did some wine tasting at the orchard, and snapped some pictures. Then, we came home and worked outside. Jesse picked up leaves, Doug was on the roof, and Bailey and I mowed the lawn. I knew that wrap was a good investment! She napped in the wrap and I was quite surprised since the lawnmower is anything but quiet.

Now, it's monday. and I'm procrastinating any housework or homework I should be doing. I suppose you could say I'm throwing myself a pity party. I know that each day is a closer day, and we can see him in between those days, it's still hard. I told myself I wasn't going to cry when he left this morning. and I tried really hard to not cry. But when he called to tell me he was back safe in VA, I just started bawling. Ahh...it's tough. We'll get through it, and we'll be stronger for it.

Okay, I'm off to get started on my cleaning. It's already 11:30. Where has the morning gone?

You ever have one of those days...

2009-10-28T16:15:00.003-04:00

You just feel like screaming? I'm having one of those days. I go stir crazy sometimes being home all day. I'm starting to miss work. I miss well I should say ALMOST miss have a 9-5 job and coming home being so excited to be home. I think it's the rain. I love my kids more than anything and I am so blessed to stay home with them, but I still miss work. Does this make me a bad mother? Sometimes I feel like a bad mom because I just want to escape for a few hours. I miss the extra money too...

Could be with the holidays upon us, I just want everything perfect like always. Then I look at my student loans and panic. Granted, I don't have to pay on them until 6 months after graduation...that date is creeping up on me and then what? I really hope that by then I will have found a good job and paying them off won't be a big deal. Who knew that wanting a higher education would be so dam expensive. It's ridiculous really. When you think about it, how am I ever going to send my kids to school? My parents never set up a college fund for me or my brother, and I don't have any problem with that. So many times I see parents put their kids through school, to see the kids party it away. I didn't go back to school until I knew what I wanted to do. Financial Analyst? I know it sounds way boring, but trust me, I find that shit intriguing. It's fun. I like to analyze things, could be my OCD personality. But with a degree in finance I should be able to do alot of things. Of course with the economy in the sewer who knows where I'll end up career wise.

Anyway, today is one of those days. a day where I just feel like ripping out my hair.

And we're off baby food cold turkey!

2009-10-26T11:48:00.003-04:00

Lately Bailey has been wanting more and more table food. The last time I gave her baby food she kept spitting it out. I guess I just think she can't chew because she only has two teeth! So, she's managed to just quit babyfood altogether! It's almost a relief, just for the fact I hate buying it all the time. At the same time though, sometimes I struggle on what to feed her. Last night she had her first take at roasted chicken. Loved it! and mashed potatoes that I had to feed her of course. Since they say babies shouldn't have peanut butter, and I have quite a few allergies I'm afraid to try her on PB this soon. So, I found some Soynut Butter and have been giving her that instead. She LOVES it! I'm not big fan of PB, but the soybutter is pretty tasty, can't quite tell the difference. She's also loving grilled cheese and ravioli's. She's growing up so fast it's likea whirlwind. I took her and Jesse to the pumpkin patch yesterday, and she had a blast! I let her crawl through the pumpkins since it was really grassy, she had a great time.

Doug gets to come home this weekend for 4 days. It will be so nice to have him here to ourselves for the weekend. It's made this past month or I should say few weeks go by a little better. We're adjusting to him being gone and we are thankful we have unlimted phone time. He sings to Bailey at night when she's going to bed and she kisses the phone. She babbles at his picture on the computer daily. So cute!

I can't believe that next week is halloween and we're already into November. CRAZY. Where has the year gone? Bailey is going to be 1 shortly after Christmas. It just feels like she was a teeny baby. And the stressses of Christmas are in full swing. Who's getting what, and what we are sending where, not to mention where will the money come from? Ugh. The only reason I despise Christmas season. It's so commercialized towards kids, that I've had a hard time teaching Jesse what Christmas is really about. Christmas is not about presents and expensive things. I think he's starting to get it..

We're thinking of going to Macy's Thanksgiving Day parade in NYC this year. How fun! Last year we didn't do anything, Doug worked a double shift, and I think I slept all day pretty much. Being it's Bailey's first Thanksgiving, what better way to spend it! And we'll have memories to last forever. Not having any family here makes it tough sometimes to cook a big dinner. I think last year we ate turkey for a month after Thanksgiving.

Ok, so this entry is a little of everything. Bailey is yelling for me.. :)

A day at a time...

2009-10-04T15:59:00.002-04:00

I feel a little better, than I have the past couple of days. I do find myself on the edge of tears every few hours it seems, but I have one kid sick with a nasty cold, and Bailey has some sort of virus, and is pooping through 5 outfits a day! I feel so terrible. I haven't gotten much sleep, but on a side note Doug was able to call me yesterday. I almsot didn't go to answer the phone because I wasn't expecting him to call. It was such a relief to talk to him and tell him what was going through my head. He apolgized and said he'd been thinking about us non stop and was constantly checking his phone for a signal so he could call. I hate hate hate that he is away from us. He talks about going back in the Navy and I really don't know about that. :( I will support anything he wants to do, but it will be really hard if he does go back in. It's such a different way of life, and I suppose you could say we're spoiled that he gets to come home to us everyday (with the exception of the next 2 months)

Anyway, it was sooo good to hear his voice, I wish he were coming home instead of being in Virginia... boo.

In a few words..it sucks.

2009-10-03T08:56:00.003-04:00

I've been having a really hard couple of days. I think that Doug having no cell phone service has alot to do with it. It could be my impending visitor. A couple of days ago he called to tell me to go P on a stick. I had this wave of excitement at the thought of having another baby. While we aren't actively trying, we aren't preventing either. I think I had a tiny strike of sadness yesterday...when she came to visit right on time as she does every month. Is it my clock ticking? haha.

Anyway, I've found myself in alot of tears last night and this morning. I didn't sleep last night, and it's not even like he's out partying or something. He's in the middle of the ocean somewhere, perhaps thinking of me..I hope anyway. I think I have some unknown fear of losing him, and losing what we have. I find things in his email and take them totally out of context and think the worst. Do I think that he would ever do something to hurt or tear apart our family? No Way!! I know in my heart that he loves me with all he has, and would never do anything. So why do I jump to conclusions? I think I'm scared of losing the best thing that ever happened to me. There's nothing worse than thinking that. And because we can't talk for a couple of days, he's not there on the other end of the phone telling me it will be alright.

But then I have the few select friends who so easily jump to say to leave him. Why? He didn't cheat on me, nor does he have the intention to. It's frusterating beyond words to hear someone who is supposed to be your friend say that your relationship is pretty much doomed, and to leave before it's too late. I'm not leaving. We're in this thing together, in rough times and good. And we have way more good times than bad, so why would I even consider such? Because someone I know thinks they know everything about my relationship? Is that all they know? Is to run when something bad happens? and mind you, nothing bad has even happened. It's me jumping to conclusions about a conversation between Doug and some girl he went to HS with. I blow things out of porportion, and assume way too often. I guess maybe I'm waiting for it to happen? Subconciously that is. Have past relationships doomed my future? In the past, I'd say screw it and move on. But I can say that's because I knew they weren't forever. They weren't "the one" I wasn't in love. I love Doug with everything I have and I think that's maybe why I'm so terrified. I've opened myself up to someone and risk getting hurt. I let my guard down. For the first time in 7 years. It's scary. But I know in my heart that he would never do anything to hurt me, or our relationship....so that leaves me with this...

Why am I still terrified? Why am I still looking for something wrong?

I know that I'll get over it, and in a few days I'll be as good as new....until then, this rainy weather isn't helping.

Home sweet home....or is it?

2009-10-02T10:44:00.002-04:00

My emotions have been all over the place. We left Charleston one week ago today, and lucky for me Doug drove the whole way! We got home about 1 am saturday morning, and it felt nice. Although walking into a house that has been closed up for 7 months....it smelled like a cabin or an attic that hasn't had any airflow. :( It was nice to be home, that warm cozy fuzzy feeling you get. The weekend was chaos. We only had a few days (until Mon.) until Doug had to go back to SC. Saturday we did little projects around the house, spent way too much money on groceries, and cleaning products, but we opened some windows and lit some candles...the house no longer smells like a summer cabin that hasn't been lived in! Sunday we were rained out and I was bummed because we wanted to take Jesse fishing, and Bailey to the apple orchard.

Monday, I went to register Jesse for school and they told me he needed a physical. UGH. So off we went to find that I had to make an appt. We dropped Doug off at the airport Monday afternoon and I've been on a cleaning frenzy ever since. I've unpacked, re arranged, organized, threw things out, replaced, and started on our renovating projects.

Yesterday I couldn't find it in me to do much. I just felt down. Doug is on a tugboat that's hauling the boat they are working on to VA. He lost cell phone service sometime yesterday morning, and we haven't spoken since. I just felt down. I still do a little. It really passes my day when we can talk all the time. It makes it feel like he's not really that far away. Bailey is missing him alot. Everytime she gets upset now she screams "DADA DADA" It makes me sad, but happy at the same time that I know she misses him. I get upset that Jesse acts out when he's not around. He def. knows how to push my buttons and get his way. I'm really trying to change that.

It was just Jesse and I since the time he was 2 until 5ish. Being a single parent is hard, and I worked so much that I guess I never realized how much I gave into him. Now that I'm not a single parent anymore, Jesse has learned to only push those buttons when Doug is gone. I'm sure it's typical behavior for a child, but it's frusterating because sometimes I don't know how to deal with it. Last night for example, he wanted to play with the neighbor kids, just as I was finishing up dinner. So I told him it was time to eat first, he immediatly started to cry saying that he never gets to play with them. It just made me angry, because first of all he plays with those kids alot, granted not since we've been home, but we've only been home a week!! So I sent him to his room to cry, where he sat there for the next 25 minutes and cried. I felt terrible, but when he came out I asked him why he acted that way. His only response was he didn't know.

Anyway, my home sweet home doesn't feel sweet at the moment. I haven't managed to get our things unpacked yet, and I look around at all the stuff that needs to go away or be organized. I'm overwhelmed, and while I know Doug is only 450 miles away from us, it still sucks. Today it's really hit me, probably only because we havent' talked. I've been trying to keep myself busy, but it seems every one of my friends are busy. It's hard not having alot of adult interaction. I guess you could say I'm sick of cleaning and looking around at my messes.

Okay, my pity party is over. Sorry for the whiny blog! I had to get it out somewhere..

A minor update..

2009-09-18T07:51:00.002-04:00

Exactly one week from now, we'll be in the car driving north. I'm sad a little. I like "the dirty south" as they call it. People are so friendly down here, and the weather is just starting to cool a little. Jesse loves his teacher, and his school so it makes it hard. He's excited to go home, and that makes it a tiny bit easier, but not really. I had to send his teacher an e-mail the other day about his last day, and I just started to cry. Of course I think I may be ovulating, and that could have alot to do with it. Is it weird I'm that in tune with my body? I'm not sure if any of my other friends know when they Ovulate. HAHA! But, not being on any birth control you have to be aware..

So, I don't know if I'm maybe jinxing this to happen, but I started wedding planning. Hey it can never be too early right? haha! We talk about getting married often, and all he says is that I will be soooo surprised when he proposes. He's right. He's sneaky. Anyway, I signed up on theknot.com and have started browsing things, and have pretty much figured we can have a nice wedding for 5,000. In Washington of course, and my dream spot!!! www.cuttinggarden.com. Check it out. It's relativley cheap to rent the place, and we could really have the reception there too, but I think we'd need a liquor liscense of some sort. I found my DREAM dress, now I just have to find somehwere that has it so I can try it on....Doug wasn't at all surprised when I told him what I've been up to. haha..at least by the time he proposes, everything will go smoothly.

Okay, I have to get off of here and clean the house. The realtor is coming to show it to a potential couple and I have boxes everywhere! Stay tuned...

A lack of motivation

2009-09-08T20:31:00.004-04:00

I have a lack of motivation to do anything lately. Maybe it's because I know we're going home soon, and I have this anxiety about it. We havent' been home since March. That's a long time. I think the anxiety is over Doug working in VA until December (far better than until March) The fact I will be alone. Not that I mind being along, but he's essentially half of me. If that makes any sense. We would spend every minute together if we could.. I think part of it is how I felt when I left home to come down here. I had a mild case of PPD, and I think I fear that going back and being alone essentially will trigger it to come back. Never did I think that would happen to me. I'm a very happy person, and when Doug left for SC that cold day in January it felt like my whole world crashed in upon me. I felt suffocated, sad, restless and alone. I cried endlessly, I couldn't find it in me to keep it together. Bailey would cry her innocent newborn cry and I'd cry with her. I felt like a terrible mom to Jesse, who just kept saying "it's ok Mom, it's ok to cry".

I know I'll be fine, and things are different now than they were when Bailey was 4 weeks old. She's nearing 9 months and keeps me so busy all the time! As does Jesse with all of his afterschool activities.

Changing the subject, I had my haircut last week. I had let my neighbor (who just graduated hairschool) cut it in May, and as it grew it just looked awful and it wasn't the cut that I had wanted in the first place. So off I went to a salon that I was recommended to...It turned out wonderful!! I really couldn't be happier with it. Other than it's shorter than it's ever been.

Not the best pics, but you get the idea...

Ok, time for bed. 5 am ZUMBA awaits!

Rainy Days...

2009-08-28T16:21:00.005-04:00

It's been raining here all day! Boo! I've been feeling really down this week. Not sure why. Could be the impending arrival of my monthly visitor. It seems to be happening every month..

We've been inside all day, I watched a couple of odd movies on the movie channel and just lounged. I probably should have went to the gym, but instead I ate a bunch of leftover spaghetti. I think I needed it. To be lazy that is. I love being a SAHM, but sometimes I just want to escape..just for an hour! I don't ever get time alone, unless Bailey is napping so I took advantage of it today.

Anyway, I learned to crochet recently...thanks to YouTube! I made Bailey a hat. It's been a good way to curb my nighttime snacking while I'm watching TV. The hat turned out really good, and I think I'm going to line the inside with fleece to keep her little head a bit warmer in the winter. Now I'm making 3 more for a friend back home. She has 3 girls who will look so cute in them!

Anyway, just wanted to share the hat! Enjoy!

Just some pics to share..

2009-08-27T07:53:00.007-04:00

Bailey's first take at "real" food. Something other than baby food. She loved the spaghetti!

Jesse fishing in the pond in our backyard. He loves loves fishing...such a boy!

Jesse and his friend Caden at the pool. Popsicle break!

This one is my favorite. She loves to make this face now. She's too cute.

Little by Little..

2009-08-20T09:28:00.002-04:00

My waist line is whittling! A little at a time, but I'm really starting to notice a change! It's such a great feeling....to finally get this baby weight off. The jeans I was wearing when I found out I was preggers.................are just about.....TOO BIG!

Tonight I'm taking ZUMBA (www.zumba.com) at the gym. I love it so much!! It could be my love for dance...not sure, but it is by far the funnest workout I've done yet. The hour just flies by in no time.

I bought a healthy cookbook that has all sorts of good recipes in it. Last night I made Creamy Ranch Pork Chops. I can have pork, beef, or lamb one night a week, so last night was it. They were SOO GOOD. You'd think that it would be really bad. I'll have to post the recipe for it. I paired it with some rice, and green beans. Perfect dinner.

I lost almost 4 pounds this week. I was aiming for 5, but hey I tried! I did have a few slip ups, mini chips ahoy cookies got the best of me! 5 more to go and I am going to get my hair done I think. Maybe I should wait until 10. It's a good motivator for me.

I bought a Shark Steam Mop yesterday. It is the best mop I've ever used. Since Bailey is crawling, I'm mopping everyday (hardwood flooring). I love this thing, because it uses only water and it dries almost instantly. I dont' have to wait for the floor cleaner to dry before Bailey can play. My floor is so clean! Granted, it isn't shiny like I waxed it..it is fresh and nice. I'll never buy another mop or bottle of floor cleaner again! Well, until I need to wax the floors anyway. It came with 5 resuable pads that I can just throw into the washer. Now I sound like an infomercial.

I'll end it with this...Jesse was eating carrots with Ranch for his after school snack the other day, and he looks at me and says: " Mommy, why isn't Ranch good for me? IT IS made from PURE vegetables." He was so serious, it was funny. So I explained to him, ranch tastes good on your vegetables but doesn't have veggies in it! HaHa..Kids are so funny sometimes.

A minor vent...

2009-08-19T10:08:00.002-04:00

Why is it that some men think they can skip out on paying child support?!!! In the almost 6 years since I've been divorced John has been pretty good about being on time about it. I have noticed.....since he has gotten re-married he skips out all the time. Last year I didn't get child support for 5 months!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! This year.....it's 3. He refuses to pay me 2 months because Jesse was there to visit for a few weeks. This month, he says he had to pay a dentist bill. Not my problem!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

He doesn't understand that he is required by law, court ordered to pay that on the 1st of every month. Regardless of what's going on, or what financial troubles he may be having. UGH UGH!! I'm so pissed off I could scream. I have money, and I support my child so does Doug. Doug does more than his fare share of supporting Jesse. GREAT!! That makes me happy.

What makes me mad, is that John can't even do his minor 480.00 a month part to support HIS son. He claims that I use that money to pay all of my bills and party. Since when? He has no idea what that money is used for, nor is it really his business. What he should know is that he's only hurting his child. While Jesse has no idea about any of this...and I won't make it known. It's the principle. I mean, C'mon. Support YOUR SON. How hard is it? He never calls, and only sees him once a year. It's the least he could do for him at this point. Jesse spent 6 long weeks with him, and John never took him out to do anything. Almost every time I talked to Jesse, he was watching his dad PLAY VIDEO GAMES. REALLY?! If he wasn't watching him play video games, Jesse was off at the neighbor kids house. No big deal. But still...you only see your child for six weeks, and you're going to just play video games? Not to mention the extra money in his wallet. So where did all that child support money go??!!!?? Oh I know, Jesse told me his dad bought his new wife a car that talks, and a new Iphone. WOW. So you're broke and can't pay child support but you can buy talking cars, and IPhones? AMAZING. FUCKING AMAZING.

FUCK him. Excuse my language. But I am really upset about this. How screwed up to not even take care of your own.

They grow up so fast!

2009-08-14T09:27:00.002-04:00

Lately, I've been noticing a big change in Jesse. He's growing into that tween stage as they call it. He acts so grown up sometimes it's scary! I finally started giving him a chore list, and he's happily doing it earning himself 5 dollars a week. Teaching him the value of money has been fun. So now when we go to the store, and he says, "can I have that?" I say, well sure if you want to spend your own money. It makes him think twice about what it is that he wants. He's currently saving up for a new game, although I think that will probably change within a week or so.

On another note, I've only managed to work out once this week. I'm not sure what happened to this week but it has been crazy busy! I wanted to go to Zumba class last night, but we met Jesse's teacher instead. She's seems to be real nice! It helped Jesse get excited about going back to school. He always complains that he hates school, and it's because he's bored. At the young age of 7 and going into 2nd grade, Jesse sits at almost a 4th grade reading level, same with math too. I just hope his teacher challenges him and keeps him busy. I know his last teacher didn't, and we finally figured out the cause of his acting out and getting into trouble...he was BORED!!

Back to this workout thing...The trainer measured me Wednesday, as it has been about 2 weeks since the last measurement, I've lsot 8 3/4 inches total! That brings me to around 30 inches so far lost. I am jsut not comfortable posting those measurements yet. I've also lost almost 3 lbs this week. I was aiming for 4, but it's better than nothing! Since I won't make it to the gym this morning, (nursery closes at 11) I will have to settle for a walk, or some weight resistance while Bailey naps. I try to go in the afternoon, and I just always seem to be doing something. It will be easier to work out next week since Jesse will be at school, and we won't be sleeping in! I've also been taking monthly pictures of myself to track my progress. Besides my "fat pants" getting to be too big, I can't notice a difference in myself. I feel the same flabby post baby thing. :( It's getting better little by little.

Maybe the NorthEast isn't so bad afterall...

2009-08-11T10:40:00.002-04:00

I'm starting to miss our home in Connecticut. I never thought I would. Beside the fact that it gets frigid cold in New England, our house is in the midst of remodeling. Unfinished projects here and there can make for a sometimes messy house. Alas, I miss it!! I want to get home and finish what we started. It's going to take months of remodeling before we're done, and alot of money. Who knew remodeling a home cost so much!! I told Doug that we should just demolish and start over. :) Sounds good to me. Hopefully we'll be having new windows put in before winter. The kitchen was remodeled before he bought the house, but we now have different plans for it. haha! And I want a new refrigerator!! I found one I really like, but have no idea if it will fit until I go home and take measurements.

I really think the heat and humidity is getting to me. Being a Washington Native, I'm not used to this. I go outside and I'm instantly sweaty, and it doesn't drop below 100 degrees until after dark the last few days! It's makin' me cranky.

My baby weight loss efforts are coming along. I got the flu last week and didn't eat for a couple of days. So what happens when I don't eat for a whole day and I step on the scale? That's right, it went up!! So frusterating. I went to the gym yesterday after a whole week of not working out. It was nice, but man am I sore today. I was going to workout this morning, but I think I may just take a walk this evening. I hurt in all places. I took a class called "butts and guts" and it kicked my ass! I look foward to Thursday, it's Zumba!! By far the best exercise class out there. It doesn't even feel like an hour cardio workout.

I do get measured tomorrow so we'll see how many inches I've lost since last month. I'm down about 26" roughly since I started in June. I just wish the weight would come off as fast as the inches are. My "fat pants" are almost too big! I did go out to Express and buy some new jeans in a size smaller. So they don't fit yet, but its giving me something to work for. They are hot jeans! And when I say they don't fit, they just don't fit in the waist. They fit everywhere else. Terrible!! I still have that after baby pooch going on in my belly. I don't know how to get rid of it. But if I can remember right, I had the same thing with Jesse, and it just went away over time. You'd think at 7 months PP that it would be gone. Almost, but not quite!

It took me back....

2009-08-08T10:18:00.002-04:00

Things have been crazy busy since Jesse got home a couple of weeks ago. I find that I don't get to sit down alot of days. Jesse came home on the 25th. He was the very last one off of the plane, as we expected. But, he got off the plane, and came up the back way with the Captain of the plane. LUCKY! haha. It was great to see him, and he's missing a front tooth.

In the days since he's been home, I've found he's lost all his manners, never had a bed time, and was given tons of sugar. WHY?! IT's been a little tough un-doing what someone else did. I'm not knocking John's parenting skills, but I think perhaps things should have been thought about a little more. I know it's hard to give your child a bed time when you don't see them for a year, but a child needs that structure.

Jesse was cleaning his room yesterday, which was a little shocking to me. So I went into his room, and we were talking. He told me he cleaned his room alot while at his dad's. So I said "oh why is that?" He then proceded to tell me, that his dad gets "mad" alot and he'd have to go to his room and shut the door so he didn't hear him yelling. That's pretty much all Jesse wanted to tell me. I'm not sure if he's blowing something out of proportion. I of all people knows how his dad gets "mad". Mad doesn't even begin to cover it. It worries me, and it took me back to when I was married.

We didn't get along. There was alot of emotional abuse. Name calling, screaming, holes in the wall type thing. I really hope and pray for the sake of my son, that it's not happening when he goes to visit. Jesse doesn't deserve something like that. So that leaves me with, What do I do? Nothing? Do I ask his dad? I mean, asking him is only going to provoke a fight and have him accuse me of trying to take Jesse away from him, or use him for money. Whatever. I really do lookout for what's in the best interest of Jesse. I don't want to take their relationship away. Jesse needs his dad, and he does love him, but when Jesse comes to me and tells me that his dad SCARES him. That scares me. And it only scares me because I know what I went through. I suppose only time will tell. For now, I'm stuck at a crossroad.

6 months and counting...

2009-07-12T09:52:00.000-04:00

Where does time go? Sometimes I just feel there's no time for anything. I can't believe Jesse has been gone with his dad for 4 weeks. Looking foward to having him home in 2 weeks. We all miss him. I think he's had a pretty good visit, minus the trip to the dentist. The last two years I've been taking Jesse to the dentist, and he wont' open his mouth. He has some weird fear, maybe he gets it from me. At any rate, I never got him to open his mouth up for his dentist. So when he complained of a toothache, his dad took him. Alas, he opened his mouth up! To find....he has 7 cavaties. Talk about feeling like a terrible parent. I always make sure he brushes his teeth twice a day. How did this happen?? I think it may have been the surplus of juice. Then again, I wonder if stuff like this runs in the family. I was the same way when I was a kid. I always brushed my teeth, mom never gave us too much candy, but it seemed I went through a phase similar to Jesse. Well, whatever the case, we'll be more careful.

Bailey turned 6 months old at the end of June. I woke up that morning thinking, where is the time? 6 short months ago she was a little peanut we were bringing home from the hospital in the middle of a big snowstorm. Today, she's a babbling happy baby who's starting to scoot around. She has such a personality, and is always happy. And, is becoming a mama's girl. I think because I'm home with her all day, at night when she's tired and I leave the room she wails.."mmaaaaamaaaaa" in between sobs. Doug has taken on singing to her, and she loves it. I will enjoy that she favors me now, because I know she's going to be a daddy's girl. Her eyes light up when he comes home from work, and for about the next 2 hours she wants nothing to do with me.

Sometimes I look back at how I got where I am. Would I take any of it back? No way! It's funny, in 2006 I decided to move to the east coast on whim pretty much. The guy I was dating at the time moved here with the Navy, and while I knew deep inside it would never work out, soemthing else was telling me to go to. So, I saved my money sold everything I had and moved with him. Things were rocky, and I knew something else awaited but just never knew what it was. I met Doug at a Navy Christmas party in Dec. of 06. The instant I laid eyes on him, it's like I almost knew, but didn't. For the next year after that, I tried to make things work with Erik, even though I knew I didn't really love him. Was I settling? Probably. Through that next year, I was sure he invited Doug everywhere we went. It's funny, because at one point I even tried to set him up with one of my friends, telling her, he's the nicest guy ever, not to mention he's hot. She saw through me, and didn't listen. It was after that, I knew. We talked here and there, and we got along so good. So finally, I broke it off with Erik and was going to move home. It was my plan, and all was going well. Until....Doug somehow managed to thankfully get into the middle of that. As we started to hang out more, the more I realized I didn't want to leave. So, I stuck it out and before we knew he was finishing my sentences. So, did moving to the east coast on a whim in 2006 lead me to him? I think so.

I can't imagine life without him, and life has been so great lately. Ok, I'll stop mushing now. It's just funny that the choices we make, and the outcomes of those choices. If I had listened to my gut, I would have never moved. Instead, I listened to my heart, or maybe something bigger.

It's breakfast time, Bailey is hungry. I'm off to spend the day cleaning, maybe we'll go swimming. It's been a girls weekend, Doug went home to our house in CT to do "chores". It's been quiet, but it's also given me alot of time to think. To think about just how lucky I am to have such a wonderful little family.

Now, where's that proposal?? I'm getting impatient here... ;)

I just realized its been almost a month.

2009-06-03T16:34:00.000-04:00

And I vowed to get in a least one entry a week. YEA RIGHT! haha. Staying home with Bailey and Jesse when he's not in school, plus going to school...makes for one busy mama.

We've just been doing the typical family thing...work, school, and playing on the weekends. Memorial weekend we headed to the waterpark to beat the heat. It was nice, and Jesse loved all the water slides. I'm glad he's finally coming out of his shell and trying new things. It took a long time to get him there!

We had a "date night" a couple of weeks ago and the whole night just started WRONG! haha. I was upset that we left late, then..there was a wreck and we got stuck in traffic, on our way back ( we had gone to a bar on the beach) I got car sick. Apparently texting in the dark after a few drinks will make one woosy. So our night ended short and we went home. I was sad because it's hardly ever just the "two" of us. I cherish the family we created, but also love the alone time we get and since it's so far and few inbetween I was upset that I got sick. ANYWAY, we made up for it and had another date night a few nights later. We went to see "Ghosts of Girlfriends Past." It was such a good movie, def. a chick flick, but even Doug liked it!

Bailey has become the expert at rolling over. She hates being on her tummy, so now that she's starting to do it in her sleep she wakes herself up. I'm thinking that she hates tummy time due to the mild reflux she has. I could be wrong though. She does however love going to the pool. We got her a little floatie, and she'd sit in the pool all day if you let her! Jesse also is becoming a great swimmer. 2 summers ago I couldn't get him in the pool hardly, and now he's diving in and doing flips! It's so awesome to see him grow and change in different ways like that.

He's leaving next week for TX for 6 weeks, and I'm a nervous wreck about the plane ride. I was stressing the importance of him not talking to strangers this morning. So he says: "But mom, what if a nice person wants to talk to me?" So I told him that just because they are nice doesn't mean you should talk to them. I told him just to be polite and tell them that he doesn't talk to strangers. and to find someone that works in the airport, or a police officer to help him. While we are paying the airline to have him escorted from the gate here to the gate in Dallas where his dad will be, I'm scared that somehting will go wrong. The flight attendent won't do her job. I know I'm being a paranoid mom. I've heard so many bad stories of kids flying assisted like this. I was really uneasy doing it, but it's really the only way. I hope and pray we have a good experience and everything goes how it's supposed to.

On another note, I've been in the gym during the week and seem to slack on the weekends. I think it's because that's the only time when everyone is home together. It's so nice to wake up on a saturday morning with no work or school ahead of us. I've also had a hard time following the eating plan the trainer has set for me. I do good some days and other days I slip and have a cookie, or some cheese. It seems silly and trivial, and I think its more of a fight with myself.

Bailey is going to be 6 months old in a few weeks. How time flies by. It seems like I was just in that hospital room in disbelief that I was really in labor. I had been in denial the whole morning because I wasn't in alot of pain. So I chalked it up to pre labor symptoms and went on with my morning, doing laundry, paying bills, dropping Jesse off at a play date. How perfect that worked out. When Doug and I arrived at the Dr.'s office that happens to be in a wing in the hospital, the midwife "checked" me for my weekly visit and said, "you're not going home" Doug and I looked at eachother and smiled, then cried. It was an intimate moment. The moment I looked at my huge belly and thought, today is finally the day I get to meet this little peanut who gets the hiccups everyday. She wasted no time either. 4 hours later she came flying out, the Dr. didn't even make it to my room. Bailey was delivered by a wonderful midwife and a couple of nurses. I was later told I should have made a documentary, and the delivery was the most textbook she's ever seen. I thanked everyone up above for looking down on us that day. It couldn't have went anymore perfect. Except the part where I begged for drugs, and the Dr. reminded me that I had not wanted any, and it was too late anyway. Now 6 short months later, she's cooing and talking, smiling, and eating like a champ. She's growing tons of blonde hair, and has 2 huge dimples. one on each side. She only lets me put her to bed, and gives me the biggest toothless grin every morning when she wakes up. I love being a mom..

Now that this entry is all over the place, I have to end it, since Bailey is screaming at me.

92 degrees in May??!

2009-05-08T08:45:00.000-04:00

I'm beginning to feel like I'm back in 29 Palms! It's been pretty hot this week, at least we're not adjusted to it yet. Along with the heat we're getting the humidity that's completely new to me. I don't mind hot weather, but you add humidity to the mix, and you have a whole different type of heat. To beat the heat, we've been hitting the pool after Jesse gets out of school. He loves being in the water, as does Bailey. She get soo excited when she gets in, she squeals!! It's so cute.

I'm feeling much better today. I blame my homesickness on PMS. I always get over emotional during "that" time. I had my official weigh in this morning. Since I've started working with this trainer at the gym....1 week ago, I've lost almost 6 lbs!!! It's great. The lack of caffiene was hard the first couple of days, so then she says...go ahead have a cup of coffee if you want. So today I did. It made me so jittery, I don't even want it now! Too much caffiene in my system makes me crabby anyway so it's for the better I think.

Tomorrow starts phase 2 of a 3 phase program. I'm told that this part is where I'm going to lose the most weight in a short period of time. We'll see!! I had assumed I'd be feeling deprived, but I don't. In fact I have a hard time eating ALL of the food on this plan. Somedays I have to force it. I know I have to eat it, because I'm already eating minimal calories and fat, so it's important.

Jesse is leaving for his dad's one month from this weekend. I'm so anxious and sad about it. I know it's "only" 6 weeks, but to me it's a long time. I have to send him on a plane ALL BY HIMSELF!! I get worried that John won't return him, and I know it's probably crazy of me to think that. I can't help it. I'm a mother! Jesse will get to meet his little half brother for the first time. I think he's pretty excited about it, he's such a good big brother. He cried to me the other night that he would miss Bailey too much and didn't want to spend that much time at his dad's because "what if Bailey forgets who he is??" Poor Kid! I assured him that Bailey will remember her big brother, and 6 weeks really isn't that long. It's hard sharing him. I always kinda hoped that John and I would live close enough that he could see Jesse more often, and not take him for long periods of time. Such is life!

It's time to decide what to cook for dinner. Tonight will be official "cheat" night since Phase 2 starts tomorrow. I know I'm not supposed to, but I'd really like to have a couple of drinks tonight after the kids are in bed. It's been a long week with school and such. So I figure one night isn't going to hurt anything. It's not like I can eat that much anyway!

Really?

2009-05-08T08:14:00.000-04:00

I had this huge blog. and for some reason it just deleted! AHHH!

I'll have to re write it in a bit..that makes me really mad.

Taco Tuesdays...

2009-05-05T10:57:00.000-04:00

It's cinco de mayo today, probably the first that we won't celebrate. What's the point? For us, it was more of an excuse to drink margaritas all night. This year, I'm on a diet, one that at this point doesn't allow sugar, or tacos for that matter!

I am a little bummed, but it's just another day. Every year since we've been together, I guess that makes it the 3rd we've celebrated. Last year I was pregnant with peanut, so I got to be the DD, oh the joys!

I skipped the gym today. I guess you could say I'm a little on the down side. Maybe it's the lack of caffiene, sugar, but I think it's just plain homesickness. I miss my family alot, and I hate the fact that my parents can't see the kiddos that often. It's really hard living so far away home, but we've created a family and a home here and I'm thankful for that. Doesn't really make it easier though.

There seems to be a thunderstorm coming in, and my monkey will be mad when he comes home from school and we can't go swimming. I'm hoping it clears up before this afternoon when we want to go.

Peanut is currently slobbering all over my arm, I guess that means it's time to go!