Overcoming Fears and Fears alike....

I've been home for a week now, and I feel like I can never catch a rest! From the moment I walked through the door I've been doing something. Anyway...

Most everyone knew that my job was sending me to Ohio for 4 days with 2 other managers to pick out jewelry for our new store. An amazing opportunity for anybody, and I felt so lucky to have been someone who was able to go. The catch? I had to get on a plane. Now, I haven't flown in 8 years, partly because I haven't had to, and partly because I'm terrified to do so. I catch alot of crap for it, and I'm not entirely sure what it is exactly that terrifies me. I think it boils down to the fact that you're 40,000 feet in the air with no control over your life should something happen. So last Monday was the big day to face my fear for the first time in 8 years. It didn't help that I got sick over the weekend, so I was majorly congested and felt like ass.

We were at the airport at 4:30 a.m....and I had support from more people that I knew. As Doug was routing me on from the car, everyone in the airport was so nice. From statistics, to how many armed marshals are on each flight, nothing was helping my anxiety. So when it came time to board the plane, which I have to point out this was a TINY commuter jet that held 30 ppl max. I hyperventilated, and almost passed out. The flight attendant kicked me off the plane (in a really nice way) and my boss promptly pushed me back on the plane (nicely) and we re-arranged seating order so that he could sit next to me. So I survived the 1.5 hour flight to Cleveland. I have never been so excited to be on the ground. Our trip was fun, and I learned alot about my job, and jewerly. So you'd think that since I flew there, I'd be fine coming home? HAHA~! I drank a couple double's in the airport which I have to say were to expensive, and I swear they weren't doubles!! Unless my anxiety was that bad. None the less, I only cried during take off and landing and didn't hyperventilate mid flight like I did on the way there. There was a guy across the aisle who could see my fear and pretty much talked me through the landing. Apparently he was a fellow commuter. I was almost embarrassed because in all reality it was a pretty smooth flight that had a perfect landing. Sure we hit some bumps going through the clouds, but for being such a small plane it wasn't bad.

In the end, I'm proud of myself for facing my fear, trying to overcome it the best I know how, and looking back, I know I'll have to get on a plane in the future..maybe next time will be better...

Money is the root of all evil.

I hate money. Well okay, I don't hate it. I hate that it controls what you do. There's never enough, and when there is enough something is sure to happen to make it disappear. Everything has payments, interest rates, or just plain costs an outlandish amount. Oh, you'd like to buy that? We'll let you have it for low monthly payments but charge you 26% interest on the remaining balance each month. Kinda makes you think about what you really need.

I'm just generally talking here...I had money on my mind this morning. I crunch numbers. It's what I do. It's what school has taught me. Finance. A couple of buttons pushed and I can tell you how long you'll be in debt and how much money you'll need to make before you can save any. I like numbers. Graduation is upon me this fall, and opening my student loan statements I almost choked on my drink. I knew school was expensive, but my debt is up there. To the point that I could have bought a couple of REALLY NICE cars. OR even almost bought a house. It's disgusting how much I owe for wanting a higher education.

I went back to school to better myself, and give myself and Jesse a better life. Along the bumpy road Doug joined our journey, and now we've added Bailey to it. It's been a long ride, a little rough at times, but I am finally almost done. I can't believe it. In 7 months I will have 2 college degrees. It makes me smile on the inside, even if I owe Uncle Sam alot of money. I did what most people thought I could not. I was a single mom going to school and working. "she won't finish. She'll quit" I heard alot of that. And alot of the time it was hard. Still is actually. 7 classes to go and I do have weeks where I struggle to get homework done.

In the end its all worth it. I did what almost nobody thought I could do, even myself at times. But still...Money is the root of all evil.

When there's nothing left to say

The job front is going well, although my daily 2 hour one way commute is really starting to get to me. I still haven't seen an expense check for my mileage compensation, and my bank account is hurting because of it. I mean, I spend on average 250.00 a week in gas. Sad to say that at least last week I was sick and only went in 2 days. This week is working out the same way, so hopefully it will show up by friday. I know I need it....for my gas tank. gross.

I'm starting to really despise New England. Maybe it's the crappy winter with the ass ton of snow we have. I miss home, but then I think of the rain and I don't miss it so much. I miss the south. I miss the sunshine everyday. I miss the happy nice people everywhere, the sandy beaches, palm trees, and the warm weather. I miss the cheapness of everything too. The northeast is full of angry, snobby, rude people who for the most part have quite a bit of money. They live in their large houses that overlook the river, or ocean and drive Volvos, BMW's, and the like. They snub you on the freeway and act like they own the road just because of what their in. Whatever. It gives me the worst road rage. Don't turn your nose up at me just because your in a Volvo and I'm in a Durango. My Durango will kick your Volvo's ASS! I like my soccer mom SUV thanks.

Bailey is getting quite the attitude. She's so funny and when she gets sassy its really hard to not laugh so she thinks she's being cute and funny. It seems like she's saying a new word everyday, and I look back to how fast she's grown up this year. She's a walking, talking, mini-me. In a few years I'm sure the freckles will sprinkle across her nose and then there will be no mistaken it. ;)

So maybe when there's nothing left to say...just smile.

Is January really almost over?

I haven't had any motivation to blog. I actually haven't had much motivation to do anything. The holidays this year were really tough for me. Every year away from home is tough, but this year just felt different. I didn't have Christmas spirit. However, you would never know it. I put on my big girl panties and dealt with it. Seeing the magic of the season through the eyes of my children made everything better. Jesse even left Santa a note this year with his cookies.

Bailey turned 1 almost a month ago, she's just growing so fast! I can't believe that its already been a year since she was born. She's still a little peanut, but smarter than some adults I know. HAHA!! She's starting to hit that "fearless" stage where nothing can scare her. And as I prepare to re-enter the workforce on monday, I'm terrified to leave her. For the next month I have to make a 2 hour commute to work, meaning I will leave the house before she gets up, and get home as she's about ready to go to bed. Sure, it's only 6 weeks but still!! I know I'll adjust but having spent everyday with her since she was born it's going to be tough on me. She'll be fine I know. She's my little social butterfly who loves most anyone. She doesn't really seem to have seperation anxiety, although that may change when she doesn't see me all day long.

Jesse will be 8 next month. 8!?!? Seriously where does time go? It seems he was just a toddler, and now he's already acting like he's a teenager. Karate keeps him focused, and he'll be starting baseball this year too. He's such a good big brother. He loves Bailey and they have really bonded. She squeals when he comes home from school, and he's to her rescue when she falls down. Now I know this will all change when she's about 4 and driving him nuts. For now I cherish these moments.

So yes, I did find a job. More so, the job found me. They are building a Jared jewlery store not too far from our house, and on a whim I figured I'd hop online and apply. Anyone out there job hunting knows how hard it is to find a job these days. The very next day I got a phone call from the manager stating he had the perfect position for me. Really? So I made my trek to Boston, a lovely 2 hour drive for an interview. Walking in to what I thought was an interview, little did I know I already had the job. How does that even happen? My resume knocked their socks off! I was floored to hear that. Having sent my resume out to a bajillion different prospects. All it takes is one I guess. So, I'm told I'm going to be the IC Manager of the store. What is that exactly? In other words, I'm responsible for all of the money, and jewlery in the entire store. They've even equipped me with my very own office! Now, I've never had my own office. Im' excited, and while the pay isn't exactly what I wanted it's a good starting point. So, for the next 5 weeks I get to keep making that trek to Boston everyday for training. What's better is that their sending me to Ohio ( I know of all places!) to their headquarters to pick out ALL of the jewlery for the store. Company paid, 4 day kid free vacation.

Sounds good, what's the catch? I have to get on an airplane. Anyone who knows me, knows I have this immense fear of flying. In fact, I haven't flown in 8 years. Jesse was 8 months old the last time I was on a plane. It's a short 2 hour flight, and I know I'll be fine. Mind over matter right? It will be a good experience, and I get paid for a full week when we'll only be working a few short hours a day.

Ok, I think I'm caught up now. Time get dressed, it's mommy-Bailey day. I'm seriously having a rough time thinking about being gone all day.

Just want to make it all go away...

I've been pretty numb now for the past day and a half. Can I scream, cry, and be angry all at once? My brother....my sweet baby brother. Well okay so he's 23 and not a baby, has been diagnosed with cancer. CANCER? How in the H#(LL does this happen? and Why? It's not fair. He's young, and a new daddy...and I honestly have a hard time wrapping my head around it all. I'm shocked, and really at a loss for words. I thought that maybe by blogging here it would help me get it off of my chest..so please excuse if there's things that don't make sense.

I wish more than anything right now I could be with my family. and hug them. It will be ok right? I just want to take it away. It's not fair that anyone should have to go through this, but at such a young age? Where does it come from. It is true that cancer affects anyone at any time in their life, but it just doesn't seem right. Not my family, not this time. Not now, I keep pinching myself to see if i'll wake up from this dream. But it's not a dream, the unbelievable is happening to someone I love. So quickly after I got that phone call did our childhood flash before my eyes. Fights, screaming matches, rides to school....how excited he was to become and Uncle to Jesse. I go from sad to downright angry. Angry that this awful disease is infecting my family. I just keep thinking its not fair. and WHY. WHY and HOW.

I keep telling myself that I need to be strong for him. Be optimistic. It usually comes pretty easy to me as I hate to think of things in a bad light. It's just so heart wrenching and awful. So tonight as I go to bed, I pray. Pray for a cure. a light. something. He will get through this, he's a strong person. And he's got us. We'll be here when he needs someone to lean on. I just hope he knows just how much I love him. Maybe we don't talk as much as we should...but he's always in my heart. If you're still reading my unorganized mess...please pray.

And she's off!

Bailey took her first steps on Halloween, she was just barely 10 months old!! We were quite shocked, but excited that she did it while Doug was home for the weekend. Since then, she's been practicing her moves. She's on the go. To me it seems crazy for her to be walking at 10 months. Granted she's not a fluent walker yet, she does good! She's mastered walking across the living room, and is still a little timid to walk without assistance when we're not home. Anyway, not much has been going on in our little world, I've decided to return to the workforce. So, I've been job hunting. Being so close to having my BA and with Bailey walking and talking, I feel it's time. I love being home with my kids. I feel so blessed to have been able to be home with Bailey for her first year, as I was with Jesse. BUT, I want to return to work. I get bored at home sometimes, and I feel that putting Bailey in a daycare, maybe even part-time would be beneficial to her social skills with other babies. Anyway, yesterday I had 2 job interviews, one with Webster bank for a new accounts person, and the other at Navy Federal for the same thing. Next week I have another interview at Navy Federal for an Assistant Bank Manager! That's the one I want. I feel with my education, and banking experience I am qualified for it, I just need them to give me a chance! It's hard these days to convince a potential employer to give you a chance to show them you are fit for the job. I'm not stressed though. The right job will come in time, and until then I'll enjoy being home with the kids. Jesse loves me being home. Probably comes from those few short years when I was working 50 hours a week to keep my head above water and I felt like I hardly ever saw him. Luckily he was able to spend alot of time with his dad during that time.

Anyway, my weightloss efforts are at a shortstop. I've worked out a couple of times, and haven't eaten the greatest in the last week or so, but I haven't gained any weight. I'm tetering at the same weight, which is good and bad. I'm not too worried with the upcoming holidays, as I don't do much baking of sweets, and I'm not compelled to eat all the time. I am looking foward to Thanksgiving and having Mashed Potatoes, and Pumpkin Pie. I'm hoping Doug's parents will make it up for Christmas, and I'll do my usual Prime Rib, or maybe we'll grill some steaks this year. After having turkey for Thanksgiving, I'm ready for something else come Christmas!

Alright. I've rambled on, and now it's time for some breakfast.

We had a wonderful weekend..

Indeed we did. It was so nice to have Doug home with us, even if it was just 3 days. He had to leave this morning before the sun came up, so when Bailey woke up this morning she looked for DaDa for about 30 minutes before she finally gave in and went back to sleep. It's hard, but I keep telling myself that in 7 weeks he'll be home for good, well until April and he'll only be gone for a month if that. In those 7 weeks I have goals!! My goal is to be losing around 3 lbs a week. And I know, that 3 lbs every week may not happen, but some weeks could be more. I think that's really my only goal, and to get all the Christmas shopping done, I pretty much know what both kids are getting, just a matter of finding it. This year will be alot different with Bailey's birthday coming just 4 days after Christmas!! Then Jesse's birthday 1.5 months after that.

Bailey took her first steps this weekend. On halloween actually. I am soo soo happy beyond words that Doug was here to see it. It's like she was waiting for him to be home. We had a good halloweeen, and Jesse has enough candy to last until next halloween. Sunday we did some wine tasting at the orchard, and snapped some pictures. Then, we came home and worked outside. Jesse picked up leaves, Doug was on the roof, and Bailey and I mowed the lawn. I knew that wrap was a good investment! She napped in the wrap and I was quite surprised since the lawnmower is anything but quiet.

Now, it's monday. and I'm procrastinating any housework or homework I should be doing. I suppose you could say I'm throwing myself a pity party. I know that each day is a closer day, and we can see him in between those days, it's still hard. I told myself I wasn't going to cry when he left this morning. and I tried really hard to not cry. But when he called to tell me he was back safe in VA, I just started bawling. Ahh...it's tough. We'll get through it, and we'll be stronger for it.

Okay, I'm off to get started on my cleaning. It's already 11:30. Where has the morning gone?