Just want to make it all go away...

I've been pretty numb now for the past day and a half. Can I scream, cry, and be angry all at once? My brother....my sweet baby brother. Well okay so he's 23 and not a baby, has been diagnosed with cancer. CANCER? How in the H#(LL does this happen? and Why? It's not fair. He's young, and a new daddy...and I honestly have a hard time wrapping my head around it all. I'm shocked, and really at a loss for words. I thought that maybe by blogging here it would help me get it off of my chest..so please excuse if there's things that don't make sense.

I wish more than anything right now I could be with my family. and hug them. It will be ok right? I just want to take it away. It's not fair that anyone should have to go through this, but at such a young age? Where does it come from. It is true that cancer affects anyone at any time in their life, but it just doesn't seem right. Not my family, not this time. Not now, I keep pinching myself to see if i'll wake up from this dream. But it's not a dream, the unbelievable is happening to someone I love. So quickly after I got that phone call did our childhood flash before my eyes. Fights, screaming matches, rides to school....how excited he was to become and Uncle to Jesse. I go from sad to downright angry. Angry that this awful disease is infecting my family. I just keep thinking its not fair. and WHY. WHY and HOW.

I keep telling myself that I need to be strong for him. Be optimistic. It usually comes pretty easy to me as I hate to think of things in a bad light. It's just so heart wrenching and awful. So tonight as I go to bed, I pray. Pray for a cure. a light. something. He will get through this, he's a strong person. And he's got us. We'll be here when he needs someone to lean on. I just hope he knows just how much I love him. Maybe we don't talk as much as we should...but he's always in my heart. If you're still reading my unorganized mess...please pray.