You ever have one of those days...

You just feel like screaming? I'm having one of those days. I go stir crazy sometimes being home all day. I'm starting to miss work. I miss well I should say ALMOST miss have a 9-5 job and coming home being so excited to be home. I think it's the rain. I love my kids more than anything and I am so blessed to stay home with them, but I still miss work. Does this make me a bad mother? Sometimes I feel like a bad mom because I just want to escape for a few hours. I miss the extra money too...

Could be with the holidays upon us, I just want everything perfect like always. Then I look at my student loans and panic. Granted, I don't have to pay on them until 6 months after graduation...that date is creeping up on me and then what? I really hope that by then I will have found a good job and paying them off won't be a big deal. Who knew that wanting a higher education would be so dam expensive. It's ridiculous really. When you think about it, how am I ever going to send my kids to school? My parents never set up a college fund for me or my brother, and I don't have any problem with that. So many times I see parents put their kids through school, to see the kids party it away. I didn't go back to school until I knew what I wanted to do. Financial Analyst? I know it sounds way boring, but trust me, I find that shit intriguing. It's fun. I like to analyze things, could be my OCD personality. But with a degree in finance I should be able to do alot of things. Of course with the economy in the sewer who knows where I'll end up career wise.

Anyway, today is one of those days. a day where I just feel like ripping out my hair.

And we're off baby food cold turkey!

Lately Bailey has been wanting more and more table food. The last time I gave her baby food she kept spitting it out. I guess I just think she can't chew because she only has two teeth! So, she's managed to just quit babyfood altogether! It's almost a relief, just for the fact I hate buying it all the time. At the same time though, sometimes I struggle on what to feed her. Last night she had her first take at roasted chicken. Loved it! and mashed potatoes that I had to feed her of course. Since they say babies shouldn't have peanut butter, and I have quite a few allergies I'm afraid to try her on PB this soon. So, I found some Soynut Butter and have been giving her that instead. She LOVES it! I'm not big fan of PB, but the soybutter is pretty tasty, can't quite tell the difference. She's also loving grilled cheese and ravioli's. She's growing up so fast it's likea whirlwind. I took her and Jesse to the pumpkin patch yesterday, and she had a blast! I let her crawl through the pumpkins since it was really grassy, she had a great time.

Doug gets to come home this weekend for 4 days. It will be so nice to have him here to ourselves for the weekend. It's made this past month or I should say few weeks go by a little better. We're adjusting to him being gone and we are thankful we have unlimted phone time. He sings to Bailey at night when she's going to bed and she kisses the phone. She babbles at his picture on the computer daily. So cute!

I can't believe that next week is halloween and we're already into November. CRAZY. Where has the year gone? Bailey is going to be 1 shortly after Christmas. It just feels like she was a teeny baby. And the stressses of Christmas are in full swing. Who's getting what, and what we are sending where, not to mention where will the money come from? Ugh. The only reason I despise Christmas season. It's so commercialized towards kids, that I've had a hard time teaching Jesse what Christmas is really about. Christmas is not about presents and expensive things. I think he's starting to get it..

We're thinking of going to Macy's Thanksgiving Day parade in NYC this year. How fun! Last year we didn't do anything, Doug worked a double shift, and I think I slept all day pretty much. Being it's Bailey's first Thanksgiving, what better way to spend it! And we'll have memories to last forever. Not having any family here makes it tough sometimes to cook a big dinner. I think last year we ate turkey for a month after Thanksgiving.

Ok, so this entry is a little of everything. Bailey is yelling for me.. :)

A day at a time...

I feel a little better, than I have the past couple of days. I do find myself on the edge of tears every few hours it seems, but I have one kid sick with a nasty cold, and Bailey has some sort of virus, and is pooping through 5 outfits a day! I feel so terrible. I haven't gotten much sleep, but on a side note Doug was able to call me yesterday. I almsot didn't go to answer the phone because I wasn't expecting him to call. It was such a relief to talk to him and tell him what was going through my head. He apolgized and said he'd been thinking about us non stop and was constantly checking his phone for a signal so he could call. I hate hate hate that he is away from us. He talks about going back in the Navy and I really don't know about that. :( I will support anything he wants to do, but it will be really hard if he does go back in. It's such a different way of life, and I suppose you could say we're spoiled that he gets to come home to us everyday (with the exception of the next 2 months)

Anyway, it was sooo good to hear his voice, I wish he were coming home instead of being in Virginia... boo.

In a few words..it sucks.

I've been having a really hard couple of days. I think that Doug having no cell phone service has alot to do with it. It could be my impending visitor. A couple of days ago he called to tell me to go P on a stick. I had this wave of excitement at the thought of having another baby. While we aren't actively trying, we aren't preventing either. I think I had a tiny strike of sadness yesterday...when she came to visit right on time as she does every month. Is it my clock ticking? haha.

Anyway, I've found myself in alot of tears last night and this morning. I didn't sleep last night, and it's not even like he's out partying or something. He's in the middle of the ocean somewhere, perhaps thinking of me..I hope anyway. I think I have some unknown fear of losing him, and losing what we have. I find things in his email and take them totally out of context and think the worst. Do I think that he would ever do something to hurt or tear apart our family? No Way!! I know in my heart that he loves me with all he has, and would never do anything. So why do I jump to conclusions? I think I'm scared of losing the best thing that ever happened to me. There's nothing worse than thinking that. And because we can't talk for a couple of days, he's not there on the other end of the phone telling me it will be alright.

But then I have the few select friends who so easily jump to say to leave him. Why? He didn't cheat on me, nor does he have the intention to. It's frusterating beyond words to hear someone who is supposed to be your friend say that your relationship is pretty much doomed, and to leave before it's too late. I'm not leaving. We're in this thing together, in rough times and good. And we have way more good times than bad, so why would I even consider such? Because someone I know thinks they know everything about my relationship? Is that all they know? Is to run when something bad happens? and mind you, nothing bad has even happened. It's me jumping to conclusions about a conversation between Doug and some girl he went to HS with. I blow things out of porportion, and assume way too often. I guess maybe I'm waiting for it to happen? Subconciously that is. Have past relationships doomed my future? In the past, I'd say screw it and move on. But I can say that's because I knew they weren't forever. They weren't "the one" I wasn't in love. I love Doug with everything I have and I think that's maybe why I'm so terrified. I've opened myself up to someone and risk getting hurt. I let my guard down. For the first time in 7 years. It's scary. But I know in my heart that he would never do anything to hurt me, or our relationship....so that leaves me with this...

Why am I still terrified? Why am I still looking for something wrong?

I know that I'll get over it, and in a few days I'll be as good as new....until then, this rainy weather isn't helping.

Home sweet home....or is it?

My emotions have been all over the place. We left Charleston one week ago today, and lucky for me Doug drove the whole way! We got home about 1 am saturday morning, and it felt nice. Although walking into a house that has been closed up for 7 months....it smelled like a cabin or an attic that hasn't had any airflow. :( It was nice to be home, that warm cozy fuzzy feeling you get. The weekend was chaos. We only had a few days (until Mon.) until Doug had to go back to SC. Saturday we did little projects around the house, spent way too much money on groceries, and cleaning products, but we opened some windows and lit some candles...the house no longer smells like a summer cabin that hasn't been lived in! Sunday we were rained out and I was bummed because we wanted to take Jesse fishing, and Bailey to the apple orchard.

Monday, I went to register Jesse for school and they told me he needed a physical. UGH. So off we went to find that I had to make an appt. We dropped Doug off at the airport Monday afternoon and I've been on a cleaning frenzy ever since. I've unpacked, re arranged, organized, threw things out, replaced, and started on our renovating projects.

Yesterday I couldn't find it in me to do much. I just felt down. Doug is on a tugboat that's hauling the boat they are working on to VA. He lost cell phone service sometime yesterday morning, and we haven't spoken since. I just felt down. I still do a little. It really passes my day when we can talk all the time. It makes it feel like he's not really that far away. Bailey is missing him alot. Everytime she gets upset now she screams "DADA DADA" It makes me sad, but happy at the same time that I know she misses him. I get upset that Jesse acts out when he's not around. He def. knows how to push my buttons and get his way. I'm really trying to change that.

It was just Jesse and I since the time he was 2 until 5ish. Being a single parent is hard, and I worked so much that I guess I never realized how much I gave into him. Now that I'm not a single parent anymore, Jesse has learned to only push those buttons when Doug is gone. I'm sure it's typical behavior for a child, but it's frusterating because sometimes I don't know how to deal with it. Last night for example, he wanted to play with the neighbor kids, just as I was finishing up dinner. So I told him it was time to eat first, he immediatly started to cry saying that he never gets to play with them. It just made me angry, because first of all he plays with those kids alot, granted not since we've been home, but we've only been home a week!! So I sent him to his room to cry, where he sat there for the next 25 minutes and cried. I felt terrible, but when he came out I asked him why he acted that way. His only response was he didn't know.

Anyway, my home sweet home doesn't feel sweet at the moment. I haven't managed to get our things unpacked yet, and I look around at all the stuff that needs to go away or be organized. I'm overwhelmed, and while I know Doug is only 450 miles away from us, it still sucks. Today it's really hit me, probably only because we havent' talked. I've been trying to keep myself busy, but it seems every one of my friends are busy. It's hard not having alot of adult interaction. I guess you could say I'm sick of cleaning and looking around at my messes.

Okay, my pity party is over. Sorry for the whiny blog! I had to get it out somewhere..