My emotions have been all over the place. We left Charleston one week ago today, and lucky for me Doug drove the whole way! We got home about 1 am saturday morning, and it felt nice. Although walking into a house that has been closed up for 7 months....it smelled like a cabin or an attic that hasn't had any airflow. :( It was nice to be home, that warm cozy fuzzy feeling you get. The weekend was chaos. We only had a few days (until Mon.) until Doug had to go back to SC. Saturday we did little projects around the house, spent way too much money on groceries, and cleaning products, but we opened some windows and lit some candles...the house no longer smells like a summer cabin that hasn't been lived in! Sunday we were rained out and I was bummed because we wanted to take Jesse fishing, and Bailey to the apple orchard.
Monday, I went to register Jesse for school and they told me he needed a physical. UGH. So off we went to find that I had to make an appt. We dropped Doug off at the airport Monday afternoon and I've been on a cleaning frenzy ever since. I've unpacked, re arranged, organized, threw things out, replaced, and started on our renovating projects.
Yesterday I couldn't find it in me to do much. I just felt down. Doug is on a tugboat that's hauling the boat they are working on to VA. He lost cell phone service sometime yesterday morning, and we haven't spoken since. I just felt down. I still do a little. It really passes my day when we can talk all the time. It makes it feel like he's not really that far away. Bailey is missing him alot. Everytime she gets upset now she screams "DADA DADA" It makes me sad, but happy at the same time that I know she misses him. I get upset that Jesse acts out when he's not around. He def. knows how to push my buttons and get his way. I'm really trying to change that.
It was just Jesse and I since the time he was 2 until 5ish. Being a single parent is hard, and I worked so much that I guess I never realized how much I gave into him. Now that I'm not a single parent anymore, Jesse has learned to only push those buttons when Doug is gone. I'm sure it's typical behavior for a child, but it's frusterating because sometimes I don't know how to deal with it. Last night for example, he wanted to play with the neighbor kids, just as I was finishing up dinner. So I told him it was time to eat first, he immediatly started to cry saying that he never gets to play with them. It just made me angry, because first of all he plays with those kids alot, granted not since we've been home, but we've only been home a week!! So I sent him to his room to cry, where he sat there for the next 25 minutes and cried. I felt terrible, but when he came out I asked him why he acted that way. His only response was he didn't know.
Anyway, my home sweet home doesn't feel sweet at the moment. I haven't managed to get our things unpacked yet, and I look around at all the stuff that needs to go away or be organized. I'm overwhelmed, and while I know Doug is only 450 miles away from us, it still sucks. Today it's really hit me, probably only because we havent' talked. I've been trying to keep myself busy, but it seems every one of my friends are busy. It's hard not having alot of adult interaction. I guess you could say I'm sick of cleaning and looking around at my messes.
Okay, my pity party is over. Sorry for the whiny blog! I had to get it out somewhere..
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You'll get it together muffin! And you're right, Jesse is testing you. Thats how kids react to change, I know because Dylan does it all the time and it drives me up the wall. But you did the right thing and you always do, even if it kills you!
ReplyDeleteDoug will be back soon enough and once he's in VA you will have your talk and text time non-stop again and it will be like he's close again and time will fly.
AND as soon as I get my house settled and work slows down I will try to come visit, but you can always come up here and excape if you're lonely! My door is always open and Dylan has bunkbeds ;-)
Love you!