In a few words..it sucks.

I've been having a really hard couple of days. I think that Doug having no cell phone service has alot to do with it. It could be my impending visitor. A couple of days ago he called to tell me to go P on a stick. I had this wave of excitement at the thought of having another baby. While we aren't actively trying, we aren't preventing either. I think I had a tiny strike of sadness yesterday...when she came to visit right on time as she does every month. Is it my clock ticking? haha.

Anyway, I've found myself in alot of tears last night and this morning. I didn't sleep last night, and it's not even like he's out partying or something. He's in the middle of the ocean somewhere, perhaps thinking of me..I hope anyway. I think I have some unknown fear of losing him, and losing what we have. I find things in his email and take them totally out of context and think the worst. Do I think that he would ever do something to hurt or tear apart our family? No Way!! I know in my heart that he loves me with all he has, and would never do anything. So why do I jump to conclusions? I think I'm scared of losing the best thing that ever happened to me. There's nothing worse than thinking that. And because we can't talk for a couple of days, he's not there on the other end of the phone telling me it will be alright.

But then I have the few select friends who so easily jump to say to leave him. Why? He didn't cheat on me, nor does he have the intention to. It's frusterating beyond words to hear someone who is supposed to be your friend say that your relationship is pretty much doomed, and to leave before it's too late. I'm not leaving. We're in this thing together, in rough times and good. And we have way more good times than bad, so why would I even consider such? Because someone I know thinks they know everything about my relationship? Is that all they know? Is to run when something bad happens? and mind you, nothing bad has even happened. It's me jumping to conclusions about a conversation between Doug and some girl he went to HS with. I blow things out of porportion, and assume way too often. I guess maybe I'm waiting for it to happen? Subconciously that is. Have past relationships doomed my future? In the past, I'd say screw it and move on. But I can say that's because I knew they weren't forever. They weren't "the one" I wasn't in love. I love Doug with everything I have and I think that's maybe why I'm so terrified. I've opened myself up to someone and risk getting hurt. I let my guard down. For the first time in 7 years. It's scary. But I know in my heart that he would never do anything to hurt me, or our relationship....so that leaves me with this...

Why am I still terrified? Why am I still looking for something wrong?

I know that I'll get over it, and in a few days I'll be as good as new....until then, this rainy weather isn't helping.